Musicians
Before starting a rock band... you should know that the following names are already taken. Okay, I can't actually verify all of these as having been actual bands, but a lot of them supposedly are, and a lot of them definitely are. They're good for a laugh, at any rate:
Albino Toilet Boys
Alcoholocaust
Alcoholics Unanimous
Almighty Lumberjacks of Death
Apocalypse Hoboken
Armageddon Dildos
Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
Band Over
Band That Shot Liberty Valence
Barbara's Bush
The Battered Wives
Blind Ignorants
Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
The Boxing Ghandis
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Breakfast in Beirut
Bruno Gerussi's Medallion
Buck Futt & the Rearenders
Bulimia Banquet
Bunchof***kingoofs
Buster Cherri
Buster Hymen & the Penetrators
Caltransvestites
Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
Carnage Asada
Cat Sass
Catz Ass
The ChristPunchers
Chixdiggit!
Cindy Brady's Lisp
Cold Cock
Cortizone 5
Cottage Cheese from the Lips of Death
Country Bob and the Bloodfarmers
Crash Test Dummies
the Crash Test Tickles
Cupid's Eczema
The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
The Dead Sea Squirrels
The Dead Kennedys
The Dick Clarks
The Dick Nixons
Dick Delicious & The Tasty Testicles
Dicky Retardo
Drunks With Guns
e. coli
Edith Head
Electric Prostates
Elvis Hitler
Elvis Manson
Ethyl Merman
EZ Bang
The Fags
Fathead
Fearless Iranians From Hell
Feisty Cadavers
Fields of Shit
'57 Lesbian
The 4-Skins
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
Free Beer
The French are from Hell
Fromage d'Amour
Gefilte Joe and the Fish
Genital Hercules
God Bullies
Gonoreagan
Headless Marines
The Headstones
Hell Camino
Here Comes Old Vodka Tits
Herpes Cineplex
Hindu Garage Sale
Hitler's Bikini
HIV and the Positives
Honest Bob and the Factory to Dealer Incentives
Hornets Attack Victor Mature
The Illuminati
Impotent Sea Snakes
Inhale Mary
Janitors Against Apartheid
Jehovah's Waitresses
Jehovah's Wetness
Jehovah's Witness Protection Program
Jehovah's Shit List
Jesus Christ Super Fly
Jesus Chrysler Supercar
Jesus Manson and the Starvation Army
JFKFC
Jonestown Punch
Jr. Gone Wild
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Kerrigan's Knees
Lack of Afro
Lawn Piranhas
The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
Lee Harvey Keitel
Lesbian Ninjas
Louder Than God
The Lowest Of The Low
Mao Tse Helen
Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
Max Roach and the Holders
Minnie Pearl's Jam
Mr. Happy and the Genocides
Mussolini Headkick
My Dog Has Hitler's Brain
Nate Nocturnal and the Nightly Emissions
Nervous Christians and the Lions
Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
Not Drowning, Waving
Nuclear Underwear
Pabst Smear
Pearl Harbor and the Explosions
Penis DeMilo
Pepto Dismal
Phenobarbidols
Phil and the Blanks
Phlegm Fatale
Pig Farm
Poor Dumb Bastards
Poultry in Motion
Pretentious Flamedogs
The Pro-Midget Mafia
Psychic Buddhist Gorillas
Psycho Sluts from Hell
Public Hair
Pungent Frustration
Purple Headed Love Warriors
Radioguts
Raging Pimps of Doom
Rectal Nightmare
Reluctant Stereotypes
Reserectum
Results of Inbreeding
Retarted Elf
Roid Rogers and the Whirling Butt Cherries
The Royal Scheitzmen
Quasimodo and the Eunuchs
Sandy Duncan's Eye
Screaming Headless Torsos
Screaming Iguanas of Love
Screaming Moist Accountants
Septic Death
Seven Year Bitch
The Shamu Afterbirth Orchestra
Shirley Temple of Doom
Shirley Temple Pilots
Simulated Orgasms [Simulerte Orgasmer]
Sing Along With Tonto
Skeptic Tank
Sleepytime Gorilla Museum
Slimy Penis Breath
Smegma & the Nuns
Smorgasborgnine
SNFU
Solosex
The Sound of Munich
Spanking Bozo
Spastic Colon
The Sphinctones
Stiff Nipple
Stiff Richards
Stukas Over Bedrock
Swingin' Johnsons
Swollen Members
Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
The Telephony Bandits of Doom
Temporary Darkening of the Stool
Testostertones
The Texas Nazis
Thank God We're Immortal
They Tried To Frame OJ
theXpairOmentals
To Live and Shave in LA
Toxic Shock and the Tampons
Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
Tragic Mulatto
Transsexual Hitler
Trotsky Icepick
The Ugly Ducklings
Uncle Dickie's Shameless Quickies
Unstoppable Kamikaze Idiots
Vaginal Davis
The Velcro Pygmies
Vic Morrow's Head
The Well Hungarians
Willie Nelson Mandela
Yoko Homo
You Ruined Christmas
Zombies Under Stress
Zulu Leprechauns
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Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan opens his eyes after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven."
Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: "`Close to You.' Hit it, boys!"
-Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller)
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These are lifted from the zZounds website. I don't know if they approve, but I'll at least give them a plug and say that it truly is a really good place to buy music gear. I buy there myself.
Drummers
Guitarists
Keyboardists
Bass Players
Singers
Orchestra
Other Musicians
How can you tell when a drummer is at the door?
He knocks slowly at first and speeds up.
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How do you make a drummer's car more aerodynamic?
You remove the Domino's Pizza sign.
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Why do guitarists put drum stix on their dash boards?
So they can park in the handicap spots.
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What do you call a guy/gal who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A drummer.
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What do you call the guy who carries all the band gear?
The Drummer.
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2 drummers get in a cab, which one is the professional musician?
The Cabbie!
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You got a drummer and a frog in the middle of the road. Which one do you hit??
The Drummer, because the frog might have a gig!
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Famous quote: "If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum."
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines that do that now.
Or... Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
Or... One, but only after asking, "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")
Or... Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
Or... Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
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Bob is throwing a party. Bob decides that to break the ice at his party, he'll ask everyone what their IQ is, and then strike up an appropriate conversation from there. The day of Bob's party rolls around and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what their IQ is.
"200," replies the first guest.
"Well, that's great," says Bob, "Let's talk about etherial astro physics." Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.
Later in the party someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob. Welcome to my party, what's your IQ?"
The new guest responds with "165."
"Great," says Bob, "Let's talk about advanced math." Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for a while.
Much later in the party after many more guests had arrived and spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arives at the door. "Hi my name's Bob. Welcome to my party, what's your IQ?"
This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it: "22."
"Well that's great," says Bob, "What kind of drumsticks do you use?"
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A guy walks into a shop and says, "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."
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By now, everybody's heard the one about the terrible plane crash that brought an up-and-coming band to an untimely end, right? In case you hadn't: everyone died - the crash killed four musicians and a drummer.
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Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.
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What do you call a rock drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
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How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
One... he holds the bulb and the world just revolves around him.
Or: Four... one to change the light bulb and three others to say "I could have done that!"
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How can you tell when a guitar player is at the door?
He knocks, sometimes for 5 minutes or more.
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A music theory lesson:
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
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What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
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What is the definition of a minor second?
Two lead guitarists playing in unision.
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How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?
Put some sheet music in front of him.
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How do you make him stop?
Put notes on it.
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What do you throw a drowning guitarist ?
His amplifier.
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What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
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What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
Would you like fries with that?
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What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
Pick on someone your own size!
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Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
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Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.
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Why are a pianist's fingers like lightning?
Because they rarely strike the same place twice.
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What does it mean when a keyboard player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
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What do you call an in-tune bass player?
Fiction... there's no such thing as an in-tune bass player.
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An anthropoligist goes to an island to study a primitive tribe. On the second day, he is awoken by these loud crashing drums that go on all day. Getting tired of this, he asks the chief, "What's with the drums."
Chiefs nods his head, looks at the ground and says..."very bad thing coming."
This goes on for several days, and each day he tried to pry information from the chief about the drums. Each day the chief says, "...very bad thing coming."
Finally at the end of the third day, the drums quit all of a sudden. The anthropologist runs to the chief and asks, "is this the bad thing? If so, what is it?"
The chief says "Yes, very bad thing now. Bass solo."
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Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
It took him 4 hours to get the bass player out.
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How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
The bass player notices.
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I was walking down the street one day, when I saw this guy strangling a little kid.
"What's going on here?" I asked.
"I was playing bass in that club," says the guy, "and this little punk ran in and twisted one of my tuning pegs."
"That's horrible," I said, "but it's no reason to brutalize him."
The guy replied, "Well, he won't tell me which one he messed with!"
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the guitarist has to show him first.
Or... Six: one to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
Or... None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.
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How do you get a singer's eyes to sparkle?
Put a flashlight in his ear.
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How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five... One to change the bulb and 4 to write songs about the old one.
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How many singers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?:
One! She simply holds it up and the world revolves around her!
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A musician dies and goes to heaven, and St. Peter is there to greet him. The musician says, "St. Pete, are any gigs up here? Any bands I can get into?"
St. Pete says, "Yeah, we've got the greatest rock 'n roll band anywhere, we've got Jimi Hendrix on guitar, John Bonham on drums, Phil Lynott on bass... you know, all the greats..."
The musician says, "Great! This band will kick ass!"
St. Pete says, "Well, there is ONE little catch... You see, God's got this girlfriend..."
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How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
He can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
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What's the inscription on dead blues-singers' tombstones?
I didn't wake up this morning...
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A jazz pianist is doing a gig with a singer. Before the first number, he says to her, "I want you to do the first four bars in E flat, the second four in A flat, and the last eight in 3/4 time."
The singer looks at him and says, "How do you expect me to do that?"
"You did it last night," he answers.
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What's the difference between a bong and a bassoon?
Still working on it, I haven't found one yet...
Or... the water in the bong is cleaner.
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What's the difference between a violin and a viola.
Violas burn longer.
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How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
Shoot 4 of them.
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How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
Steal his batteries.
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What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
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What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
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How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Play facing backwards and chip a lot of notes.
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What is the difference between a french horn and a lawnmower?
You can tune a lawnmower.
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What's the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A trombone will bend before it breaks.
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What's the definition of an optimist?
A trombonist with a beeper.
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What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" X 3 1/2".
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What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
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What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
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Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said, "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Your repertoire."
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Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe: I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?
Max: Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news...The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Scheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!
Abe: So what's the bad news?
Max: Well, you're booked to play the solo!
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What is the definition of perfect pitch?
When someone throws an accordion in the dumpster and it smashes a banjo!
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What's the difference between an accordian and a trampoline?
You don't have to take off your shoes before you jump on an accordian.
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14" pizza?
A 14" pizza can feed a family of 4.
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What's brown and found on a piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement.
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How do you get a harmonica player off your porch?
Pay for the pizza.
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What is the difference between a sax solo and a lawn mower?
The lawn mower is less repetitive.
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How many Soundmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Soundmen don't do lights.
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What happens if you play country music backwards?
You sober up, get a job, and your wife comes back.
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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments?
Stump the band.
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There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a drummer who keeps good time and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up?
The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist and the thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.
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How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb?
One, two... One, two... One, two...
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How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
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Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
Because he stapled himself to the chicken.
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Hey, buddy, how late does the band play?
Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer.
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What do you say to an Jazz graduate with a job?
I'll have a hamburger, please.
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What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a savings bond?
Eventually the savings bond will mature and earn some money.